Blog Post
The Silent Sufferers of Divorce
Linda John • Aug 03, 2020
Children the Silent Sufferers of Divorce
When parents split up, the burden on the children is immense and sadly they often blame themselves for the breakup. The absolute worst thing that a parent can do is to bad mouth the other parent to the children. Doing so puts the children in an impossible position and they start to question ‘am I allowed to love them?’. The child feels they are being disloyal for loving the bad parent. Running mum or dad down to a child is a direct criticism of their own DNA as they are the product of both parents.
Children bottle up their feelings, and when asked by mum or dad ‘do you want to talk?’ they say no! On hearing this the adult thinks everything is ok and does not push any harder. This is because the adult does not really want the child to open up and talk, because they don’t think that they can deal with what is said. Children need to talk, and the grown-ups need to listen to help the child to offload just how sad and angry they feel. Often, they just want to hear their mum or dad say, ‘you are right to feel sad and angry’ and to validate their feelings.
If a child does not express how it is for them, they hide the hurt, sadness, anger and confusion, and become numb. We heal through loving connection and always feel better because we have had someone to talk to. Statements like ‘I know it hurts, it’s understandable to feel sad but as a family we can get through this’ let them know that you understand them. Saying ‘talk to me’ is a no-go and children will shut down straight away. They don’t want to hurt their parents by burdening them with their feelings.
When mum and dad are divided the children work harder at trying to please them in the hope that ‘he or she might come back’. They will try and try to please the parent by buying a present or giving those puppy eyes to get what they want, but unfortunately, they cannot fix the problems.
Children should not feel that they are responsible for the parent that has left the family home. Kids want to feel responsible for the divorce because it gives them control, ‘I can make them come back!’. They try their upmost to stay strong for their parents, who make the mistake of being too open and lean on their children for their own sanity.
We can see physical trauma, bruises, broken bones etc, but when the problem is in the mind it limits parents from giving the love that children deserve. One way of helping a child to express how they feel is to ask them to write a letter to their mum or dad telling them how they feel and how their life is being affected. Difficult though this is, it is one way of releasing some of their inner most thoughts and allows them to have a voice. It may not look on the outside that they are feeling any better for speaking their truth, but being able to get it all out can help the parent to connect with the child. Soon enough the sparkle will start to return, and they will learn to laugh again once they have been able to release the burden.
KLR SOLICITORS ARE CHILD FOCUSED IN YOUR DIVORCE
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